Joy
Note: I feel quite certain I've written on this topic before, but it's on my mind again so you'll have to indulge me.
I just got back from my first computer science test and I'm still in one piece, which, I think, is worth something. I also got back my first econ test this morning: a 92 which is both exciting and disappointing at the same time. The jury is still out of Spanish; I'll keep you posted.
The past two weeks or so have been difficult for me, both because of the increased workload that comes with testing and the emotional overload of any number of events. I've found less time for socializing, sleeping, watching television, and pretty much everything else I like to do. I've had relationship issues with friends, grading issues with teachers, and personal issues with myself. Why, then, am I so darn happy right now?
I have issues with the band Casting Crowns, but I can't help but listen to their stuff because, musically, it's just too good to ignore. "Praise You in this Storm" is about joy, I think. The chorus goes:
"I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands; for You are who You are no matter where I am. Every tear I've cried you hold in your hands. You never left my side, so though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm."
I've thought about that a lot since the funeral, wondering if that would be my prayer after losing a loved one. I don't think I'll ever forget seeing Dr. Gilbert singing hymns at Brent's funeral. His upturned face reminded me of the times he talked about joy, about how it is distinct from happiness (in that it is not dependent on the "happenings"), about how it is a gift from God. I haven't talked to him since Brent's death and can't begin to imagine his emotional state right now, but I wonder if perhaps he's been given a new perspective on the topic. I can't imagine what that perspective is, but I would like to know his thoughts. Because I've hardly been persecuted at Wake; I've been blessed beyond my wildest imaginations. I wouldn't trade my friends, my brothers, or pretty much any part of my experience thus far for anything (with the notable exceptions of Chi Omega and my goth next door neighbor). And so when I look back on the relatively more difficult time of these past two weeks, I get a certain joy that's hard to explain.
Perhaps it's better expressed in the present. I just took a comp sci test which I could very easily have aced and may very well have failed. I honestly don't know. But I do know that I'm learning in that class, that I'm getting better. I also know that I have a frisbee game with both old and new friends in two hours and that I get to sing tonight. I know I have friends, family, and a girlfriend who love me. I know that I have friends back home that remember me even when I drop off the face of the earth. These are all good things, and they make me happy.
But the kicker is that I've decided that, while I love these things and are thankful for them, they are not neccesar for joy. Joy is easy in the land of abundance, but is just as relevant "when I'm found in the desert place, when I walk through the wilderness." Looking back on some of the harder moments in my life, I realize that God's joy was there all the time, sustaining me when happiness was not enough.
I remember walking around Camp Hanes during Preschool and thinking about all that could potentially go wrong once I got to Wake. Some of those fears have materialized; most have not. But the thought crossed my mind (I only half believed it then, I'm coming around now) that regardless of how many things went wrong that the simple fact that I was going and that God was going with me was enough. I think I understood joy better in that moment than I ever have or do now because at that moment I had completely dissociated joy from happiness. I looked and saw the world around me and acknowledged that it was good, regardless of my personal circumstances. And that, I think is enough. Check back with me during some real persecution and we'll see how my thesis stands up.
I just got back from my first computer science test and I'm still in one piece, which, I think, is worth something. I also got back my first econ test this morning: a 92 which is both exciting and disappointing at the same time. The jury is still out of Spanish; I'll keep you posted.
The past two weeks or so have been difficult for me, both because of the increased workload that comes with testing and the emotional overload of any number of events. I've found less time for socializing, sleeping, watching television, and pretty much everything else I like to do. I've had relationship issues with friends, grading issues with teachers, and personal issues with myself. Why, then, am I so darn happy right now?
I have issues with the band Casting Crowns, but I can't help but listen to their stuff because, musically, it's just too good to ignore. "Praise You in this Storm" is about joy, I think. The chorus goes:
"I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands; for You are who You are no matter where I am. Every tear I've cried you hold in your hands. You never left my side, so though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm."
I've thought about that a lot since the funeral, wondering if that would be my prayer after losing a loved one. I don't think I'll ever forget seeing Dr. Gilbert singing hymns at Brent's funeral. His upturned face reminded me of the times he talked about joy, about how it is distinct from happiness (in that it is not dependent on the "happenings"), about how it is a gift from God. I haven't talked to him since Brent's death and can't begin to imagine his emotional state right now, but I wonder if perhaps he's been given a new perspective on the topic. I can't imagine what that perspective is, but I would like to know his thoughts. Because I've hardly been persecuted at Wake; I've been blessed beyond my wildest imaginations. I wouldn't trade my friends, my brothers, or pretty much any part of my experience thus far for anything (with the notable exceptions of Chi Omega and my goth next door neighbor). And so when I look back on the relatively more difficult time of these past two weeks, I get a certain joy that's hard to explain.
Perhaps it's better expressed in the present. I just took a comp sci test which I could very easily have aced and may very well have failed. I honestly don't know. But I do know that I'm learning in that class, that I'm getting better. I also know that I have a frisbee game with both old and new friends in two hours and that I get to sing tonight. I know I have friends, family, and a girlfriend who love me. I know that I have friends back home that remember me even when I drop off the face of the earth. These are all good things, and they make me happy.
But the kicker is that I've decided that, while I love these things and are thankful for them, they are not neccesar for joy. Joy is easy in the land of abundance, but is just as relevant "when I'm found in the desert place, when I walk through the wilderness." Looking back on some of the harder moments in my life, I realize that God's joy was there all the time, sustaining me when happiness was not enough.
I remember walking around Camp Hanes during Preschool and thinking about all that could potentially go wrong once I got to Wake. Some of those fears have materialized; most have not. But the thought crossed my mind (I only half believed it then, I'm coming around now) that regardless of how many things went wrong that the simple fact that I was going and that God was going with me was enough. I think I understood joy better in that moment than I ever have or do now because at that moment I had completely dissociated joy from happiness. I looked and saw the world around me and acknowledged that it was good, regardless of my personal circumstances. And that, I think is enough. Check back with me during some real persecution and we'll see how my thesis stands up.
posted by Nialator at 1:48 PM
2 Comments:
But the kicker is that I've decided that, while I love these things and are thankful for them, they are not neccesary for joy.
You are definitely on to something here that is important:
joy=happy is always wrong
also note that I did write about happy, not joy and though this may sound defensive, i dont mean for it to be: i meant happy b/c cars, food, and work dont bring joy.
finally, enjoy bsu flag football. I will pass becuase they always made me a lineman in flag football, and, no matter my size, I am no lineman.
You have finally explained the joy vs. happiness argument to me. I'm sorry to say I still don't understand. I mean, there are those times when I look at the clouds, feel the rain on my face, or watch the birds...times that I feel at peace with myself and those around me, simply because I'm not thinking of those around me. I disassociate myself completely from everyone, and I enjoy it. But I always feel it's necessary to come back to my family, friends and reality. I don't believe I could be happy, or joyful for that matter, without the company and conversation of others. I suppose I'm suggesting that, unlike you, I put happiness before joy. I view both as temporary states. I'm not happy 24/7, and it definitely takes a lot of effort for me to find joy. Therefore, I'm generally in an undefined state of many and all emotions. I really am very dependent upon the outcome of the events around me, and your current/ongoing state of joy amazes me. Is joy essentially religiously affiliated? Let me clear that up...must one attend Church and believe in the Christian God to find joy? Let me know. I'm overly curious now.
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